Shaving doesn't make hair grow more, thicker, or faster. Don't come at me with illogical garbage, especially in my barber chair.

I was accepted into the Second City Directing Program! These coat tails will be ready to ride in about a year. You're welcome.

"Bow-chick-a-bow-wow", as used to indicate the music of pornography, is not a joke, nor does it have an ounce of wit or the surprise required to be employed as a clever comment or punctuation.
DESIST.

This tough love will serve you in the future.

If you suspect that your bf/gf/long-term-sexual-partner-who-has-no-label might not be right for you, please do us all a favor and stop dating them.  Your suspicions are shared.  If you get the feeling your friends don't really like your bf/gf/ltspwhnl, you're right.  We don't.  We were being polite. We really think you guys bring out the worst in each other and based on how you've ignored our hints so far, we're pretty sure you're on the Justification Train to Miseryville. 

No, we aren't jealous.  As I just mentioned moments ago, we think you are deeply in denial about how crappy your relationship is and you've both become boring/wimpy/snippy/sanctimonious/exasperated/bossy/self-conscious/annoying and generally unfamiliar to your friends. Why do you think we're jealous of that?

It's not because we're single. Oh right, you think we don't understand how hard relationships are.  We've been in relationships and when we found ourselves acting like you and your bf/gf/ltspwhnl we stopped dating that person.  "Relationships take work".... well you must love going to work...thankless, stupid, unpaid, soul-sucking work. 

But... But what?  You have people who deeply care about you & we're concerned because you could be happier.  You and your bf/gf/ltspwhnl are each taking advantage of each other to fill a void and you are acting like dicks. Sorry you had to find out this way that a bunch of people are in your corner wishing you fulfillment and self-actualization. It must be so hard to be supported and loved that you have no other choice to spend time with your lesser half, right?

We aren't giving you an ultimatum.  We, your friends, wouldn't do that; BUT when you choose to spend time with someone who is making your life worse instead of those of us who love you it's insulting. It's exhausting to listen to you bitch and not change your life.  It's heart-wrenching to have hope for you and watch you choose to be unhappy.  It's really sad to miss the way you used to be before bf/gf/ltspwhnl.

So fucking break up already.  Find someone motivated, who appreciates you, laughs at your jokes, doesn't act out, someone who won't make you feel bad, or manipulate you, or fight with you, or take advantage of your sacrifices, and someone that you really really really like super a lot.  You know, like your friends.